


to love and to be loved should not be shameful

by MoreStars



Category: Mean Girls (2004), Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/F, F/M, Mentions of Cady/Aaron, Mentions of Past Regina/Janis, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-06-23 11:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15605595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoreStars/pseuds/MoreStars
Summary: Love is hard. It's hard to see a red mark on your arm, to know you aren't loved in return. It’s hard when a black mark scars over and you know that a couple in love was separated by death. Janis hated acknowledging the marks on her arm, so she hid them.





	to love and to be loved should not be shameful

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this:
> 
> http://sulkybbarnes.tumblr.com/post/100008896397/oddbagel-jaxtellerhelps-tuckedshirts
> 
> Thank you for reading!

Janis wore long sleeves, all the time, no matter how hot. Living in Chicago was helpful during winter, so she was given a free pass then. But during the summer she would be asked endless questions: 'why are you wearing that?' 'isn't it hot?' 'aren't you sweating?' Damian didn't ask these questions, because he knew. He knew she had to hide the black tally mark, from everyone else and especially from herself. She used to debate cutting that section of skin off, but she knew it would be painful and useless. If it were just one or the other, she may have gone through with it, but not both. Seeing it caused her enough pain.

She used to be fascinated by the marks decorating people's arms. It gave everyone a story, a real life apart from herself. She loved counting the marks on strangers and imagining the different people they loved. After she met Regina in middle school, it was a game they played. Somehow one would make a teacher reveal their arms, and through the rest of class they would build a story around it. Janis would even draw the objects of her teachers' affections, sometimes having fun making them look weird. Regina's stories tended to be like movies their moms would watch. Janis would entertain the notion before introducing a comical twist, earning a slap on the arm and laughter.

They avoided the topic of scarred marks. Janis knew her mom had a black scar, knew that it was a normal mark when her dad was there and scarred when he died. Her mom didn't help her piece that together. Regina was pretty skilled at distracting them from those marks, something Janis loved about her.

In eighth grade, Janis noticed how many of the girls in her classes had started earning marks. Some were drawn on in marker, but not all. She saw as girls cried when they showed their boyfriend how their marks were red, not black, after they claimed to be in love.

Janis thought it was dumb to lie.

She noticed that Regina was never one of those girls. Regina's arm stayed barren, even as she dated boys. She never lied about being in love with them. Janis wasn't sure her friend even liked any of them.

Janis thought that was kind of dumb, too, to date when no love is felt. But she didn't voice this to her friend. Instead, she watched her say goodbye to whatever boy walked her from class to replace him with Janis at her side. She noticed how much more affectionate she was when they were together than she was with any boy. Regina laughed more around her than she did with her boyfriend, smiled more and hugged more. They held hands more, too, but that was only ever in the privacy of their bedrooms, late at night when one would sleep over.

Janis noticed that, one day, she got her first tally mark. She noticed it was black. She noticed that Regina had one, a black mark on her arm that wasn't there before. Above all, she noticed Regina's face when she woke up to a black mark and Janis staring at their arms, dumbfounded. Her eyes went big, and she ran out so fast that Janis couldn't say anything.

They didn't speak until school. Regina had called her mom to take her home that morning, and hadn't texted since. She decided to wear a long sleeve shirt that morning, and claimed it was because she felt cold despite it being 80 degrees. She saw Regina in class, but neither made a move to greet the other. Janis felt heavy, slow, like she had no reason to move if there wasn't the promise of Regina being where she went.

They finally spoke after lunch. Janis had waited in their usual seats, but watched as Regina ignored her and sat by the girls that drew marks on their arm for attention. Regina eagerly showed them hers, new and still shiny, and waved towards her boyfriend. Usually, Janis felt nothing towards the boys who entertained her best friend when she wasn't around, but now she glared towards him as well. She noticed that Regina noticed her.

After that, Regina's eyes followed Janis as she left with the crowd. And she followed, joined by the girls she didn't know, stalking up to Janis in the hallway as she was cheered on by the others.

"Janis, you can't come to my pool party because I think you might be a lesbian," there were snickers behind her, but all Janis heard was her own heart pounding. "and I can't have a lesbian at my party because there's going to be girls there in their bathing suits!" She was too cold and frozen to defend herself, to point out that it wasn't some sad crush on a straight girl, that her mark was black and not red. But she stared down her friend-former friend, she guessed, now-as a satisfied smirk crossed the blonde's face. Janis looked at the mark on her arm, causing Regina to hold the arm away as though guarding it from her, and tugged at her own sleeve.

"What are you?" Regina taunted, and Janis didn't even hear her own retort, didn't think as she embarrassingly referenced one of the characters she had created when they created Mrs. Saul's love life. A space alien with four butts? She’ll never hear the end of it. She ran away, and heard a girl whisper about a key.

 

As angry as it made Janis, the black mark never went away. As much as she wished she could forget, and wipe it away like the Sharpie on the other girls' arms, it remained as a cruel reminder. Janis used to think it was nice, that even if you didn't have that love anymore the mark stayed to let you remember it happened. Now, though, she thought it was a dick move. Over the years she collected a few more red marks. She was ashamed at first, thinking her feelings were wrong, haunted by the black mark’s consequences. She stopped caring about other people seeing them. She had befriended Damian, who unashamedly wore his red and black marks. Janis wondered who could hold that much love, especially when so many people would hate who he loved.

Damian assured her that no matter how many boys he fell in love with, she would always be the one he loved most. The marks don’t count platonic love, but the two of them did.

So no, she wasn’t scared of the backlash of showing off her marks, not even the black one. She still hated looking at it, though, and she got used to wearing jackets everyday.

 

Cady Heron had far too much love to give, Janis thought. It wasn’t safe. The red marks on her arms (yes, both, that’s how many there were) were smaller than most, to account for the quantity. Janis made the mistake to ask about them one day.

“This one, the first one,” she pointed to one on her wrist, red like the rest, “I was five. He was my best friend, but when I showed him he ran away. Not really the best reaction,” she laughed. “After this one,” she pointed to the fifth one down, “I tried to claim that I was done with love. It didn’t really work out, I didn’t get that I couldn’t control it.”

Despite herself, Janis asked, “what made you want to give up?”

“Well, I was thirteen and it was really hard to stay camouflaged when half of my arm is literally red.” 

“Yeah, when I was eleven I tried to rub mine away in the shower,” Damian said. “My parents kept getting on my case about how many girls I was seeing, which, ha!” Cady laughed again, and Janis loved how unrestricted the girl was. Even after sitting with the Plastics for a week, she didn’t change herself to be accepted like them. Her laugh was loud and free, just as it should be.

“What about you, Janis?”

“You two nerds can keep on falling in love or whatever. I’m flying solo.” Cady gave her a look that Janis couldn’t quite translate, but made her stomach twist and her face warm. Her eyebrows furrowed, like they were worried, and she pouted her lips like what Janis said was some kind of travesty. She decided not to think about it.

“Don’t listen to her, she’s a sap with marks too.” Damian pushed Janis by the shoulder, but all she saw was how Cady’s face returned to a peaceful state.

“Not half as many as you.”

“Sorry if I don’t bottle my emotions like a robot-”

“Whoa, guys,” Cady said, looking between them warily. “No need to fight.”

Damian wrapped his arm around her shoulders and shook her. “Oh, little baby Caddy, you have so much to learn about friendship.”

“Yeah, it’s just teasing.” Janis did her best to give Cady a reassuring smile. “I love his dumb weakness for boys.”

“And I love how she’s afraid of admitting how she feels and hides her marks to avoid accepting it.”

“Okay! That’s...that’s tits!”

Janis laughed so hard, she bent forward and nearly hit her head on her desk. Cady jumped to her feet.

“Janis? Are you okay?” One of Cady’s hands laid on Janis’ back, and the other on her friend’s hand. Janis began coughing, which she attributed to laughing instead of the shock of how gently Cady was touching her, how soft and small her hands were; Cady blushed, and moved her hands onto the table next to Janis.

“Caddy, I’m better than okay.” She grinned, and she found she was doing that a lot more with Cady around.

 

Due to wearing long sleeves, Janis couldn’t be sure when the new mark appeared. But she noticed it, fresh and red, while in the shower. She didn’t have to wonder who it was for, because she’d been denying the fact since they first met. All she could do now, with the undeniable confirmation this mark provided, was panic and sink deeper.

“Damian I’m so screwed,” she repeated into her phone.

“I know, Janis. I knew it the first time you said that. You’re sure it’s red?”

“Do you think I would mix up red and black, dude? Yes, I’m sure. Honestly I’m not even sure what I’d do if it was black.”

“I could see you passing out.”

Janis rolled her eyes, and even though he couldn’t see her, she knew that he knew it too.

“Lucky for you, I’ve been keeping up with Cady’s marks. Even though she likes Aaron, she doesn’t love him, at least not yet. And! I know that at least three marks were for girls.”

“Thank you,” Janis said, trying to sound sincere as possible. She felt a surge of gratitude for her best friend, and wished she could tell him how much he meant.

Oh wait, she can.

“I love you and owe you my life, probably.”

“I know, you’d be dead in a ditch without me. Love you too!”

 

“I really don’t get the rules to this,” Cady admitted one day. She was staring pensively at her red marks, focussing on the empty space below them. “I get new marks when I don’t think I’m in love. But I’m pretty sure, now, and there’s nothing.”

“Don’t ever think you know anything about love. I promise, it’s way easier,” Damian pet her back comfortingly. Janis was too distracted to offer cynical insight. Now that she was forced to accept her feelings, she was constantly aware of how her heart pounded when Cady looked at her, how it jumped in her throat when she gave a compliment, how she couldn’t move when they hugged. It was obvious, at least to herself and Damian, but Cady didn’t seem to notice.

“Well, even if I don’t fully love him, I still like him, she decided. “So I’m gonna go to his halloween party.”

“You sure you wouldn’t rather watch shitty movies with us?” Janis offered, immediately regretting it when Cady declined. “We have candy and costumes, and no Regina.”

“I know, but I think it would be good to talk to Aaron outsite of class. We can really get to know each other without math.”

“Wow,” Damian gasped. “Caddy Heron, not wanting math? What has the world come to?”

Cady pushed him lightly, giggling. Janis was busy reminding herself to breathe.

 

“She took him back,” Cady cried, pitifully muffled by the false teeth. She took them out, repeating herself: “she just...took Aaron back.” Tear streaks stained her face, and Janis felt a jolt of pain seeing her like this. She got up and hugged her, surrounding Cady almost entirely.

“Oh, Caddy, of course she did; she’s a life-ruiner.”

“Yeah, when Janis got her mark-”

“Damian, don’t,” Janis warned. Cady was made aware of how many marks Janis had on her arm, but wasn’t told that one was black, or for Regina.

“I already know the story. Janis had a red mark on her arm after Regina spent the night and Regina didn’t invite her to her pool party so people wouldn’t see it and get weird.”

The lie struck Janis like a hammer; Regina was telling the story like she was the victim, like she was only protecting the both of them. She couldn’t say she was surprised.

“Regina is a HOT liar!” Damian stomped towards them, ready to reveal all. Janis cut him off.

“She didn’t just uninvite me. She mocked me, in front of everyone, and by the end of the day someone scratched ‘dyke’ into my locker with a key. All for a crush.” She sent Damian a look, forbidding him from adding anything else. She didn’t lie to Cady; only hid a small detail. Not like it would make her look worse either way.

“Janis, that’s awful.”

“It’s not, though! Don’t be sorry, get angry! We’re gonna get Regina back, for the both of us!”

 

Janis wished she had known better.

Her stupid revenge plan had changed everything. Starting and ending with Cady. First it was her hair; it was by no means a bad look, but Janis was an artist. She knew symbolism like the back of her hand, and the new style meant a new Cady. She wanted to ignore it, though; her friend wasn’t mean like the Plastics, she couldn’t be. She was sweet, just...a little more vain, now. And caring about looks wasn’t a bad thing!

But then her art show came up. She hoped, more than anything, Cady would go and prove to Janis how she was still their friend. Despite no red mark showing up for Aaron, she spent far more time worrying about him than spending time with Janis or Damian. It was worrying, and it hurt Janis more each time she ignored them to check her phone.

Still, she tried. Only to be hurt and disappointed again.

“Janis, I can explain,” she begged. And Janis knew that, before, she would’ve accepted whatever excuse was thrown at her. But she spent so much effort trying to pull Cady back, and this painting was supposed to remind her of how important their friendship should be. And she missed the art show. She lied to them.

“Explain what? How you’re supposed to be out of town and sixty different people are posting pictures of your party?” She felt the acid in her voice. She didn’t care.

“You know I couldn’t invite you. I’m supposed to act like I don’t know you!” She sounded desperate, and Janis was again reminded of how far it’s gone, to the point that it didn’t stop her from yelling.

“You are full of lies,” Janis spat, and heard Damian yell about a curfew. She was willing to walk home if meant finally getting all of this off her chest. “This is your house. You could have invited whoever you wanted-you could have changed the way the world works, and you just chose not to.”

“You would hate this party-” she was right, but that’s not the point.

“Why? Are you having an amazing time with your amazing friends?”

Then Cady threw out the words she thought would end the fight, unaware of how it stung her former best friend: “Janis, I can’t spend every second with you! It’s not my fault you’re like, in love with me or something!”

Instinctively, her hand went to her sleeve, not noticing when Cady did the same. She used to check the mark, if perhaps it had turned black at some point. Tonight she had completely ignored it, petty and resentful. She tore her attention away from it quickly, and heard Damian backing up the Jazzy. She should be hurt, or embarrassed, but all she felt was bitter. “See, that’s the thing with you Plastics. You think everyone is in love with you, when actually, everyone hates you.”

She saw Cady take a step back, her eyes wide. They settled into the determined look she got back when Janis revealed her past. Ironic, how she wore it now. “You made me like this! It was your idea for me to pretend to be Plastic!” Janis knew she had a point, but fuck her if she thinks she can share the blame right now. Maybe later, but not now. She was on a roll.

“You’re not pretending anymore! You’re as Plastic as they come, the new Regina! I hate her guts, but here’s what makes you even worse: at least she had the guts to not pretend to be my friend!”

Cady looked ready to cry. Part of Janis felt bad, but not enough. So she threw the painting that was supposed to fix everything towards the girl that needed fixing. “Here, you can have it. It won a prize.” She heard Cady protesting, moving towards her, but she ran back towards Damian and hid her face in his shirt. She finally allowed herself to cry.

“And I want my pink shirt!” She heard him yell, but she felt one hand rub her back while the other guided them back to his house.

 

Of course this was the timeline. She had the worst luck, so why shouldn’t this be when the mark turned black? And once again, to really rub it in, she had no idea how long it had been there.

Janis wondered if Cady knew it was there, if she knew who it was for. Maybe she thought it was Aaron, finally. She didn’t wonder if Cady’s mark was red; she knew, no matter how angry she was, that love wasn’t that easy to lose. She had accepted that long ago with her first mark. Janis wondered if, maybe, she did know, and that’s what made her say what she did on the night of her party-no, the night of the art show. Janis wouldn’t let herself dictate her life by Cady’s schedule. That was supposed to be her night. 

Janis wondered if she should apologize, accept the blame she deserved. It was her who suggested the spying, after all.

All thoughts of that left her head when she saw that Cady had written something for Damian in the Burn Book. Because of course she had.

During Ms. Norbury’s lecture to the junior class girls, Janis couldn’t stop playing with her sleeve. Two black marks, two girls she trusted, two betrayals. One Janis left standing. One best friend, one constant. And maybe he was all she needed, and she was selfish for wanting more in Cady. She turned to look at Damian, wearing the hoodie and sunglasses, and smiled for the first time in days. He was there when he didn’t need to be, for her.

Norbury went on about woman power, and Janis agreed wholeheartedly with the statements, but it sounded so...lackluster, coming from their calculus teacher who was divorced twice. Perhaps it was just that it was the situation, being preached to them when only a select few were to blame.

No, wait, Regina said something like that earlier. So it couldn’t be that.

So, maybe Janis was just bored and tuning her out. Maybe she only saw the opportunity to finally work out her problems with herself, to understand that she doesn’t need people like Cady and Regina to love her, when they don’t love themselves enough to not change for other people.

She got up on the desk set for apologies and said just that.

“And the thing is, my friend Cady turned out to be just as phony, and selfish as Regina George,” Janis didn’t notice both girls running outside. “So I guess my apology is to myself, because I really should have known better.”

 

Cady was suspended for the Burn Book.

And Janis knew deep down she wasn’t to blame, at least not entirely. But she took the fall anyways. She couldn’t say it didn’t make her hopeful, that maybe the Cady she knew was coming back. She couldn’t say she didn’t miss her friend, Plastic or not. So for those few weeks without the girl she didn't how how to feel towards, her mind was a mess of emotions. Were she not absent, Janis doubted she would forgive Cady, but now that she wasn't given the choice to ignore her, she felt heavy with guilt. The second black mark on her arm didn't help.

"Do you think she knows?" Damian asked, whispering. 

"Knows what?" They both knew what he meant. She didn't want to entertain the notion. Taking the hint, Damian sighed and leaned back.

"Spring Fling will be interesting,"

She agreed without listening to him.

 

Part of Janis was not at all surprised to see Cady show up to Spring Fling. She was surprised by the Mathletes jacket, but then she shouldn't be. Janis was mostly shocked by her own declaration about making out with her date, which Damian quickly rejected. So much for solidarity.

"Janis, I really need to talk to you-"

From across the dance floor, they all heard Mr. Duvall introduce Shane Oman as Spring Fling King before continuing. "And the winner of Spring Fling Queen is... Caddy Heron!"

Cady definitely seemed surprised by that. She had the cutest look on her face, and paused for a moment before going "what?" as if she had heard wrong. Janis watched her become immediately distracted, turning fully towards the stage, before looking back at Janis for permission, given quickly; she wanted to prolong this as long as possible. Despite her ban from the dance, Duvall didn't stop Cady from accepting the crown. Shane Oman placed it on her head as she began speaking, apologizing directly to Janis while absentmindedly fiddling with her sleeve, before taking the crown off-

She started breaking the crown.

It was the proudest moment of Janis' young life, watching Cady literally destroy a symbol of the social hierarchy. For so long, Spring Fling Queen dictated which girl was most beautiful and likable, but now the Queen deemed all her subjects just as beautiful as she.

Cady was throwing small pieces of her crown towards the other students, handing it to the three Plastics and Damian. Finally, with one chunk still left, she approached Janis shyly, holding it out. "I understand if you don't forgive me or want to be my friend anymore. I'll still treat you with respect." Gently, she placed it in Janis' hair, making her laugh at the sheer absurdity.

"I forgive you if you forgive me. It was my idea for you to spy. I'm sorry I forced you to join them," Janis took Cady's hands as she apologized and began to gently sway. Giggling, Cady took larger steps, and the two girls danced together, looking at the other students with their small pieces of crown. At that moment, Janis was content - no, more than that, happy - finally. She didn't know how things would turn out, and for once it didn't really bother her.

She felt so at peace that she lazily shed her warm suit jacket, revealing her arms to the world.

Revealing her arms to Cady.

She heard a small gasp and panic struck her, turning to see Cady covering her mouth with one hand and pointing at Janis with another. When she didn't connect the dots, Cady took off her Mathletes jacket and wordlessly pointed to her arm, red marks leading from her wrist to above the bend in her elbow where one black tally, bigger than the rest, decorated her skin.

Janis almost laughed. "You didn't know?"

"Well-at first-" She was stuttering, and if the room weren't so dark Janis bet her face would be pink. "I assumed it was Aaron, but then he showed me his, and there wasn't a new black one, and I wasn't-I guess I didn't think about who else it was, after everything."

"A lot did happen..." Janis admitted.

"Damian was right. I shouldn't guess at love."

This time it was Janis whose blush was hidden in the dark. Logically, she knew the marks meant love, but admitting it out loud was a different situation. It wasn't something she was used to, after the vehement denial of her other experience.

"What now?" She asked after they danced for several silent moments.

"I think we should probably have a first date-or, is this a date now?"

"It can be."

"Okay. In that case, we should have a second date."

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, Caddy."

"I don't know if I like that nickname."

"You love it, and there's a mark to prove it."

"The mark says I love you!"

"Who's Mark?"

"Jesus, Janis," Cady grinned up at her, and Janis felt her heart race. So, maybe love wasn't all that dumb. She got the appeal.


End file.
